the funny joke thread
- Thread starter coolmu9
- Start date
I have to admit, that coolmu9 is a very shocking person indeed. And it
It's time we had a thread for jokes anyway, so I'll start by posting a real joke. :IS2:
Two newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replie...s, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Two newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replie...s, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
What's good about dating a homeless guy/girl?
After the date you can drop him/her off where ever you want
Apparently Oprah paid a bum 100$ for this joke, I thought it was decent
After the date you can drop him/her off where ever you want
Apparently Oprah paid a bum 100$ for this joke, I thought it was decent
9 englishmen and 1 irishman are in a rape identity parade line up.
The victim walks in, and paddy jumps forward screaming 'that's her, the grumpy b**ch'
The victim walks in, and paddy jumps forward screaming 'that's her, the grumpy b**ch'
Walking past a shop the other day and I noticed a Television for
So this Israeli guy lands in Heathrow airport. The Immigration officer asks him "Occupation?" The Israeli replies "No thanks, just a visit".
A little 'cutsie' but it made me smile:
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo.
"Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as
I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!"
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo.
"Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as
I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!"
Solly Silverstein has been a 100% kosher Jew all his life, very devout, devoted to his family and working long hours (except the sabbath) in his tailor shop. He had just one son, who was the apple of his eye. He spoiled this son and doted on him.
One morning he woke up to find a note on his table saying "Pop, I've gone off into the world to make a name for myself. Bye, your son."
Solly was distraught; every evening he looked out the window for his beloved son... every day for 15 years. Nothing.
Then, one evening, he looked up from some cuffs he was turning up to see a large figure shadowing over his table. squinting, and with a trembling voice, he asked "Son? is that you?"
The son, now fully grown, and with a big beard, said, "Yes Poppie it's me." Solly leapt to his feet in joy but his son stopped him short...
"One thing, you have to know, Pop... I have become a Christian"
Solly was thunderstruck.
"My boy, my only son - you've become a goy! A Christian! Oh heaven help me! What am I to do?! What have I done to deserve this!!?""
Seeing how distraught his father was, the son left the house.
The next morning the sun rose and its rays broke into Solly's shop, he was sitting at the table where his son had left him, a wreck of a man, exhausted from weeping. He decided to go and see Rabbi Shmuel. The Rabbi was a wise and kind man; he could advise him how to deal with this terrible situation.
"Rabbi Shmuel - my son comes back to me after all these years and tells me.. I can hardly say it... he is a Christian!! What can I do?!?"
The Rabbi was indeed wise and he sat an pondered for a while before saying, "Solly, you have been a good and devout Jew all your life... if ever anyone deserved an answer from Yahweh, it is you. We shall go to the synagogue right now and pray for an answer."
So they arrived at the synagogue and the rabbi raised his voice to the heavens saying,
"Oh Lord, we beg of thee to look down with pity on Solomon Silverstein, your faithful servant. All his life he has served you well. He is a good man. Now, his only son has returned to him, a grown man, and tells him he is a Christian!"
There was a loud thunderclap.
Solly and the rabbi fell flat on their faces, transfixed with terror, and a loud voice boomed out from the heavens...
"You know vot? The same thing happened to me!!"
One morning he woke up to find a note on his table saying "Pop, I've gone off into the world to make a name for myself. Bye, your son."
Solly was distraught; every evening he looked out the window for his beloved son... every day for 15 years. Nothing.
Then, one evening, he looked up from some cuffs he was turning up to see a large figure shadowing over his table. squinting, and with a trembling voice, he asked "Son? is that you?"
The son, now fully grown, and with a big beard, said, "Yes Poppie it's me." Solly leapt to his feet in joy but his son stopped him short...
"One thing, you have to know, Pop... I have become a Christian"
Solly was thunderstruck.
"My boy, my only son - you've become a goy! A Christian! Oh heaven help me! What am I to do?! What have I done to deserve this!!?""
Seeing how distraught his father was, the son left the house.
The next morning the sun rose and its rays broke into Solly's shop, he was sitting at the table where his son had left him, a wreck of a man, exhausted from weeping. He decided to go and see Rabbi Shmuel. The Rabbi was a wise and kind man; he could advise him how to deal with this terrible situation.
"Rabbi Shmuel - my son comes back to me after all these years and tells me.. I can hardly say it... he is a Christian!! What can I do?!?"
The Rabbi was indeed wise and he sat an pondered for a while before saying, "Solly, you have been a good and devout Jew all your life... if ever anyone deserved an answer from Yahweh, it is you. We shall go to the synagogue right now and pray for an answer."
So they arrived at the synagogue and the rabbi raised his voice to the heavens saying,
"Oh Lord, we beg of thee to look down with pity on Solomon Silverstein, your faithful servant. All his life he has served you well. He is a good man. Now, his only son has returned to him, a grown man, and tells him he is a Christian!"
There was a loud thunderclap.
Solly and the rabbi fell flat on their faces, transfixed with terror, and a loud voice boomed out from the heavens...
"You know vot? The same thing happened to me!!"
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
Funny story but is still just an urban legend. The German wiki article makes that clear the English not so much
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Pen
Fool proof way to get a woman:
1. Have a sincere and puzzled look on your face.
2. Walk up to a woman and say "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
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A blond, brunette, and a redhead are walking along a dirt road when a sudden thunderstorm rolls in. They seek shelter in a nearby barn to wait out the storm. The farmer, who owns the property, sees the trespassers and runs outside to the barn to scare them off.
The women hear the farmer coming and decide to hide behind whatever they can find. The farmer arrives to find the barn seemingly empty. He walks up to some sheep and the brunette, hiding amongst them, says "Baaaaaah", so the farmer moves on. He next walks up to some cows and the redhead, hiding amongst them, says "Mooooo", so the farmer moves on. Lastly, he walks up to a pile of potatoes and the blond, hiding behind it, says "Potaaaatooo".
1. Have a sincere and puzzled look on your face.
2. Walk up to a woman and say "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
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A blond, brunette, and a redhead are walking along a dirt road when a sudden thunderstorm rolls in. They seek shelter in a nearby barn to wait out the storm. The farmer, who owns the property, sees the trespassers and runs outside to the barn to scare them off.
The women hear the farmer coming and decide to hide behind whatever they can find. The farmer arrives to find the barn seemingly empty. He walks up to some sheep and the brunette, hiding amongst them, says "Baaaaaah", so the farmer moves on. He next walks up to some cows and the redhead, hiding amongst them, says "Mooooo", so the farmer moves on. Lastly, he walks up to a pile of potatoes and the blond, hiding behind it, says "Potaaaatooo".
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a note tucked into his collar and a small pouch of money hanging down from from it.
The Butcher, reaches down and extracts the note and finds it says, "Please can I have two filet steaks. There is change in the pouch on my collar."
The Butcher decides to test the dog and gives him two of the worst offcuts he has. Instantly the dog starts growling and the Butcher quickly swaps the steaks for filet steaks and the dog relaxes again.
Thinking the dog can't possibly understand money, the Butcher decides to overcharge him and puts the wrong change back in the pouch on his collar. Again the dog instantly starts growling and the butcher quickly gives him the right change.
Transaction complete the dog nudges the door open and walks out. The Butcher by now is very intrigued, so he decides to follow. He watches the dog use several road crossings. Carefully pushing the button and waiting for the lights to safely cross.
A few minutes later they approach a house and the dog walks up to the front dog and starts scratching at it.
Heavy footsteps can be heard thundering down the stairs. The door is swung open forcefully and instantly a man steps out and hits the dog and tells him to, "Get inside now!"
"Hey!" shouts the Butcher. "Why the hell are you hitting that dog and shouting at him? That's the smartest dog I have ever seen!"
The Butcher, reaches down and extracts the note and finds it says, "Please can I have two filet steaks. There is change in the pouch on my collar."
The Butcher decides to test the dog and gives him two of the worst offcuts he has. Instantly the dog starts growling and the Butcher quickly swaps the steaks for filet steaks and the dog relaxes again.
Thinking the dog can't possibly understand money, the Butcher decides to overcharge him and puts the wrong change back in the pouch on his collar. Again the dog instantly starts growling and the butcher quickly gives him the right change.
Transaction complete the dog nudges the door open and walks out. The Butcher by now is very intrigued, so he decides to follow. He watches the dog use several road crossings. Carefully pushing the button and waiting for the lights to safely cross.
A few minutes later they approach a house and the dog walks up to the front dog and starts scratching at it.
Heavy footsteps can be heard thundering down the stairs. The door is swung open forcefully and instantly a man steps out and hits the dog and tells him to, "Get inside now!"
"Hey!" shouts the Butcher. "Why the hell are you hitting that dog and shouting at him? That's the smartest dog I have ever seen!"
Spoiler!